Merry Christmas!

This year's Christmas is special because I joined my friends while we went caroling around KL! It was my first time and it was very fun! Especially when I love singing A LOT! Apart from that I also love the fact that we brought smiles and joy to those little kids' faces! And the last venue was the best - Seri Pacific Hotel! It was so fun, seeing so many people so interested in our performances. They even took photos with us while we were singing! Amazing experience! And amazing friends to be with too!

May this year's Christmas be ever so special to all my friends!

Merry Christmas!

Ps. If Santa is really here and if Santa allows me one wish to be granted, I wish Santa to change who and how I am.

I Want to Put A Smile on Your Face!

So this is how happiness feels like!

This feels nostalgic because I have not done this in a long while. "This" meaning doing something good for some people whom I truly care about. Tomorrow is my friend's mom's birthday. She is a super great mother who knows how to cook a thousand things! Whenever we went over to her house to play or to work, she would definitely take good care of us! It was extremely nice of her! I am also indebted to her for something which she had done for me. I would never forget all the good deeds!

Therefore, I'm baking a cake/muffin! I hope it will work! It must work!

How are you?

Allow me to be a little bit less scientific and a little bit more naive because I have an important question to ask.

Grandma, regardless of where you are right now, how are you doing?

Is there a rule which specifies a limit of grieving period when one has lost someone dearest to oneself? If there is such a limited period, would you tell me its length? Then I would probably bounce back from this loss a little bit more faster, though a bit forcefully.

During the dinner just now, the table was left with only my mom and me. The rest have finished their meal. Suddenly, my mom brought up the topic about grandmother. I could see glitter in her eyes. I know it still hurts her. She misses grandma. I do too. But it takes time. We don't know how long. But yeah, time it takes.

As she was talking about grandma, she noted a number of things,
- Grandma used to babysit all four of us when we were still wearing diapers
- She had saved all the money that her children and grandchildren had given her for us.
- Even after she passed away, she had always been taking care of us - during her burial ceremony, it did not rain and it wasn't even sunny, the weather was just nice for the ceremony, as if she had protected us from the heat and the rain.
- Whenever my mother called to Ipoh to talk to her, she always asked how my brothers and I were doing, and if my dad got any job, and how my brother was doing in overseas. Yet, none of four of us had ever called back to talk to grandma.
- We were all in KL while she was in Ipoh. We didn't get to spend time with her, to take care of her. Now that she is gone, we no longer have the chance to.
- Even in her sickbed, she was not able to speak due to the stroke. It was so painful for her. She used to be the strongest, being able to walk to market, talk to people, take care of her chickens and her small vegetation farm. But one stroke, and everything changed.

Why?

Grandma, how are you?

I Miss You.

Loss to be grieved. Extremely difficult moments to live through. But I believe these days will pass. It does not mean I will forget about what you. It merely indicates that you will still be a part of my life and you will definitely be a part of my future. But till then, let me lament your disappearance from my life. Let me reminisce and remember how you have shaped my life. And let me miss you because it is not easy to be inured to this void inside my heart.

8. 18. 28. 8. A memory not to be forgotten.

She was an amazing woman. Enough said. The presence of a sea of people during her funeral definitely proved her influence when she was still alive.

She was my grandmother.

I do not have much memory of living together with my grandmother. She lived in Ipoh, her hometown, while I stayed in KL all my life. We didn't really have the chance of staying under the same roof, except the Chinese festive season. However, when I was young, she used to stay at my house for a few days, or a week, during my school holidays. Those were the times when she was in better health and she still had the vim to travel all the way from Ipoh to KL. Those were the good times.

I remember being very very young and I would still hold my grandma's hand wherever I go. Everyday, I would try to wake up as early as she would in order to follow her to the market. I would hold her rough hands, feeling so secured, like nothing could ever harm me, while I accompanied her to the morning market. The journey was never a short one. Nevertheless, I do not recall getting bored or tired because she would always have something to talk about - whether regarding her chickens she reared at kampung, or about how to live a life. The funny thing was, she was a Hakka and she could only speak in Hakka. However that was the one language I could hardly speak fluently. Yet that never stopped us from getting along together. In the morning market, she would bring me to all the chicken, vegetable, and even kuih stalls. What fascinated me was the fact that she could interact so well with the people in the market despite the fact that, not only the language barrier, she didn't stay in KL for most of her life. How she did that, I never knew. But it remained as one of the fascinating things about her.

The strongest impression I have of my grandmother was this afternoon I spent with her, when we were watching one of her favourite movies. Andy Lau was in the movie and he was portraying a lawyer's character. Andy was a respectable character in the movie and my grandma was very fond of him. When we watched that movie, she said to me "Boy, you must study very hard so that you will succeed. Then only would you be able to become as brilliant and successful as Andy Lau. Then only can you protect the weak people. Then only would you be rich and lead a wealthy and happy life. You must study very hard!" These words engraved in my mind ever since. The impact that these words made was so huge that they had always given me motivation to work even harder especially during difficult times. I really appreciate her words.

The moments I spent with her can't even be put down into words. She really was an amazing person. The things that she was willing to sacrifice to help other people weren't even countable. She was selfless, considerate, open-minded and kind. She was also frugal and generous at the same time. During Chinese New Year, she would be the one to give the biggest red-packet all the time! My mother always said, my grandmother loved me the most. I did feel that way. That was why I always wanted to work hard and earn enough money to be able to share with her my prosperity. I wanted to be able to go back to Ipoh and give it to her, RM500, RM1000. I wanted her to know that I have succeeded and I would lead an easy life. I wanted to let her know that I am happy, like how she always wanted us to be. I wanted to let her know so many things. I wanted to make her proud! I wanted to hear it from her mouth, "I'm very proud of you!" I wanted to hear her husky voice.

She is now gone. She first had a stroke. She was then hospitalized. Her condition bettered but it fluctuated. It wasn't stable. She could not swallow. She had to have a pipe channeled down to her stomach so that fluids can be transmitted into her. It was so painful. She could not speak. She couldn't do so many things! She was suffering. The last words that I remembered her saying was during the last Chinese New Year, "Bye bye, come back again during the Chinese New Year next year! Po Po will slaughter a big fat chicken for all of you!"

Po Po, I will miss your chicken very much. I miss you.

Ps. Mom, I don't know how to console you. I have no idea what it feels like to lose your dearest relative. It hurts my heart even more to see you so lugubrious. I can only say, stay strong.

Stay strong, to everyone.