I Miss You.

Loss to be grieved. Extremely difficult moments to live through. But I believe these days will pass. It does not mean I will forget about what you. It merely indicates that you will still be a part of my life and you will definitely be a part of my future. But till then, let me lament your disappearance from my life. Let me reminisce and remember how you have shaped my life. And let me miss you because it is not easy to be inured to this void inside my heart.

8. 18. 28. 8. A memory not to be forgotten.

She was an amazing woman. Enough said. The presence of a sea of people during her funeral definitely proved her influence when she was still alive.

She was my grandmother.

I do not have much memory of living together with my grandmother. She lived in Ipoh, her hometown, while I stayed in KL all my life. We didn't really have the chance of staying under the same roof, except the Chinese festive season. However, when I was young, she used to stay at my house for a few days, or a week, during my school holidays. Those were the times when she was in better health and she still had the vim to travel all the way from Ipoh to KL. Those were the good times.

I remember being very very young and I would still hold my grandma's hand wherever I go. Everyday, I would try to wake up as early as she would in order to follow her to the market. I would hold her rough hands, feeling so secured, like nothing could ever harm me, while I accompanied her to the morning market. The journey was never a short one. Nevertheless, I do not recall getting bored or tired because she would always have something to talk about - whether regarding her chickens she reared at kampung, or about how to live a life. The funny thing was, she was a Hakka and she could only speak in Hakka. However that was the one language I could hardly speak fluently. Yet that never stopped us from getting along together. In the morning market, she would bring me to all the chicken, vegetable, and even kuih stalls. What fascinated me was the fact that she could interact so well with the people in the market despite the fact that, not only the language barrier, she didn't stay in KL for most of her life. How she did that, I never knew. But it remained as one of the fascinating things about her.

The strongest impression I have of my grandmother was this afternoon I spent with her, when we were watching one of her favourite movies. Andy Lau was in the movie and he was portraying a lawyer's character. Andy was a respectable character in the movie and my grandma was very fond of him. When we watched that movie, she said to me "Boy, you must study very hard so that you will succeed. Then only would you be able to become as brilliant and successful as Andy Lau. Then only can you protect the weak people. Then only would you be rich and lead a wealthy and happy life. You must study very hard!" These words engraved in my mind ever since. The impact that these words made was so huge that they had always given me motivation to work even harder especially during difficult times. I really appreciate her words.

The moments I spent with her can't even be put down into words. She really was an amazing person. The things that she was willing to sacrifice to help other people weren't even countable. She was selfless, considerate, open-minded and kind. She was also frugal and generous at the same time. During Chinese New Year, she would be the one to give the biggest red-packet all the time! My mother always said, my grandmother loved me the most. I did feel that way. That was why I always wanted to work hard and earn enough money to be able to share with her my prosperity. I wanted to be able to go back to Ipoh and give it to her, RM500, RM1000. I wanted her to know that I have succeeded and I would lead an easy life. I wanted to let her know that I am happy, like how she always wanted us to be. I wanted to let her know so many things. I wanted to make her proud! I wanted to hear it from her mouth, "I'm very proud of you!" I wanted to hear her husky voice.

She is now gone. She first had a stroke. She was then hospitalized. Her condition bettered but it fluctuated. It wasn't stable. She could not swallow. She had to have a pipe channeled down to her stomach so that fluids can be transmitted into her. It was so painful. She could not speak. She couldn't do so many things! She was suffering. The last words that I remembered her saying was during the last Chinese New Year, "Bye bye, come back again during the Chinese New Year next year! Po Po will slaughter a big fat chicken for all of you!"

Po Po, I will miss your chicken very much. I miss you.

Ps. Mom, I don't know how to console you. I have no idea what it feels like to lose your dearest relative. It hurts my heart even more to see you so lugubrious. I can only say, stay strong.

Stay strong, to everyone.

Stupidity

Sometimes, there are some stupid things that you want to do. You realise that they are stupid and they would be the most reckless things to do, yet you do them anyway. Even after serious consideration, you do them anyway.

That is pure stupidity.

But that also means that, you are passionate enough to do the things which you feel right. Stupid, yes, but right.

I felt like an idiot sending a message which I assume no one would appreciate. Down right fatuous. But fine. Let it be. Let me be a laughing stock. One who is too sensitive. Whatever. You who condemn me know nothing about me.

Grr.

Anyway. I like Mathematics and I find it fun. Thank you.

许愿

外婆，赶快好起来吧。。。！

生气

很气，很气，很气！

很想叫整个世界去死！

生气！

TMD.

Fleeting time.

I have been to a number of places today, witnessing and experiencing many different things. Most of them brought unexpected surprises. They opened my eyes to bigger possibilities. And I have many things to say about them. But as I ponder upon my words in my mind, I realize that some need to be filtered before they can be typed out. Since I am so lazy, I decided to just shut them all in.

I think lately, that's how I've been acting. There are a number of things which I would like to voice out but to save the hassle of having people misunderstood me, I decided to just close my mouth. I try to put these things behind my mind, though I have to say it is not easy to do so.

Anyway I think I'm just rambling, again, right before the exam. Been watch so many dramas and X Factor, I barely touched my books! Time to repent! Grr!

May God bless my Grandma

Yesterday evening, my mom received a phone call from her hometown. My grandma had a stroke. They were waiting for the arrival of the ambulance. I in my room, sleeping, when I overheard the conversation. It was serious. A stroke. My grandma lost her conscious. She could not move her limbs. She couldn't speak. She could only open one eye. It sounded severe. My parents immediately made plans: buying some eastern herbs, informing nearby relatives, packing some clothes and not long after, they were on their way to Ipoh.

Like the saying goes, you can't sense it when accidents arrive at your doorstep. It was so sudden, so abrupt.

I could not imagine the anxiety that my mother was going through. After the phone call from Ipoh, she did so many things. Together with my father, they discussed about buying the herbs and if it's suitable for my grandma's consumption. They decided to wait for my aunt to come to my house then only they will depart for Ipoh, after picking up my cousin from US who coincidentally is having vacation in KL. They made so many phone calls discussing so many things and told my relatives in Ipoh what to do. It's hard not to notice the coarse voice that my mother began to have. How was she holding her emotions up?

I decided not to ask any questions. I gathered information regarding my grandma from my mother's numerous phone conversations. I didn't want to be in my mother's way. She packed everything. She was ready. She left. That was it. I decided to wait at home, waiting for her news.

Late evening, my mom called. She still hadn't arrived. There was a bad congestion, due to a heavy downpour. Grandma's condition hadn't improved.

Right now. My parents are back in KL. They are on their way to a temple to pray. I think that is all that we could do right now. Pray.

佛，请你保佑我婆婆，让她快速好起来。啊祢驼佛。