freedom has never felt this bad.

the trial is officially over.

weird. i should be relieved but that is not the case. ever since i woke up this morning, i felt..weird. i felt down. i felt gloomy. and i am perfectly clear why.

today was the last day of examination - maths. it should be an easy one. but what i aim for is higher - perfection. it seems far to me recently. and yes, indeed it is far. because i was too confident. overconfident, that i will reach the perfection. overconfident, till i neglected my responsibilty. overconfident, that i left my books. overconfident, that i decided not to study. and what else should i get other than punishment?

and hell it was such a careless mistake. CARELESS! it's unbearable. it's..overwhelming. i cannot stand it. i cannot stand that careless mistake. i, hoo keen, who was so confident, got a careless mistake. how shameful is that. where lies my dignity?

and results of not touching my books, i screwed my paper two. i had not had any inch of confident within me. deep inside me, i was afraid. deep inside me, i was trembling. deep inside me, i didn't wanna do that paper. the careless mistake in paper one was enough to frighten me. i didn't want another careless mistake. yet do i have a choice. every time i finished one question, i lingered for a moment, thinking if i had done a careless mistake at whichever possible part. and there were TWENTY questions. which involve, obviously, not only CALCULATION. so you can imagine that i was frantic. i was stressful. i was frust. i was going nuts.

for a second i wonder if this continues, will i seriously go whacko because of mathematics. and to think that i desire to be an accountant or sharebroker.

and last paper is over. i didn't care. the first thing i wanted to do, which i had planned while working on second paper, is to go to the washroom, and wash my face. as if hoping that would clear my sin. what sin? laziness, overconfidence. isn't that enough? i went back to class. rearranged my books under my desk. swept the floor. ignored as many people as i can while another part of me tried to talk to someone.

and that time i realise, i am a boring guy with no topic to talk about and no sense of entertainment, unlike all the other guys around me.

and then.. i counted every second. every second. till school finished. and i went home.

that ended my misery. things were brightening up the moment i reached home. my neighbour just reached as well. this old lady smiled at me and i returned her smile, genuinely. thinking why shan't i? and that, with no apparent reason, put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

so for you to judge. [maybe there exist no 'you' in the first place] was my day not bad enough? [even though i know what you will answer]

and i think i should change my life. brighten up my life. but how? i know not.